Lindsay Lohan - First (the video car-crash week continues)

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La Lohan's Guide to Not Being Like Every Other Girl in the World

1) Have every ounce of flesh sucked from your limp form like you were attacked by Tobey Maguire during his snack-attack. Because, like, the aspiration to be so frighteningly thin that you need to wear that terrible waistcoat over your shirt just to hold up your malnourished body and stay conscious is SO RARE.

2) Release a guitar-driven song that sounds so mindlessly mediocre and dragging, Lilix could have thrown it together in their basement…

2a) ...I mean, why call on Max Martin or the Matrix when you can have a riff that sounds barely even scribbled on the label of your empty Oxycotin bottle, let alone finished?

2b) When Katy Rose album tracks sound like polished precision in comparison, you know you’re there.

3) Redheads are unusual. Redheads are distinctive. But hey, why stand out from the crowd due to natural beauty, when you can dye your troubles away and be mocked? Of course, the true genius was picking the shade of trailer-trash platinum blonde which makes you look like Nicole accidentally emptied the peroxide jug because you were so distracted by Wheel of Fortune re-runs. Repeat after me: “Match the skin-tone. Match it!”

4) Add a glazed thousand-yard stare and the usual artfully posed moves. Why should you dance the way girls really dance – sweat and swing and abandon – when instead you can shift those razor hips as if constricted by that metaphorical corset of female objectification? That would only make you stand out, dear, and god knows you don’t want that.

4 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan - First (the video car-crash week continues)”

  1. Blogger Anthony Miccio 

    Aw, I liked this wizzay more than anything by Lillix. She's a nonstarter but Max is a nu-wave god.

  2. Anonymous pinko 

    No idea who Lindsay Lohan is but Herbie is feckin cool.

  3. Blogger Quit Smoking 

    I am looking for ideas to start my own blog about ebooks and you have give me a few ideas. Thank you. Good blog. I will check it each week.

  4. Anonymous Anonymous 

    good morning,

    great day to be taking vitamins

    have you seen vitamins

    take a trip and check out what they know about vitamins


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